It happens to the best of friends. One day you are best buds, then your friend, who was once as enthusiastic about shopping, girls nights, and gossip as you...is suddenly in the world of diapers and sleepless nights. Suddenly she doesn’t have the time (or energy) to gossip for hours about the newest celeb couples, to go shopping for the perfect shoes, or meet up for drinks after work. Your best friend is now wearing mom jeans, has boogers in her hair, and takes days.. sometimes weeks to respond to your texts.
When I entered into the world of mommy-hood, I was one of the first of my friends. Many articles that I read about bridging the gap between mommy-hood, and child-less friends pretty much said that it is all but impossible, and that I needed to find “mommy” friends. Well F-that. I just had a baby, I was F*cking exhausted. I didn’t have time to make new damn friends!! I liked the ones that I had, I wasn’t about to discard them because I chose to make a little shit and booger machine and they still had their freedom! At times it was difficult to bridge the gap.. my child-less friends just didn’t *get it* sometimes.. but I had to stop and remember, before I had kids.. and I had FREEDOM.. I didn’t *get it* either. I have decided to make a list of rules for friends to follow on bridging the gap. Hopefully these rules will be able to help you keep friendships of your own.
Rules for Mommies:
*Do not ONLY talk about your baby. Yes.. he is the MOST important thing in your life. Your whole world, when you eat, sleep, shower, and go to the bathroom revolves around this new little person. And your best friend LOVES your new little one as well, but you have to remember that her WHOLE world does not revolve around him. Its ok to talk about your baby, but don’t let him be the ONLY thing you talk about.. you will bore the hell out of your friend.
*When you do talk about your baby, reserve talking about baby shit (literally) with your mommy friends. (I was recently at a mommys only dinner.. and the conversation took a turn to baby turds.. totally acceptable with mommy friends. No one flinched when we were openly talking about diarrhea at the dinner table) Your child-less friends will not react so nonchalantly.. they quite frankly don’t care about your babies shit, the color, the texture, or the consistency.
*Make time to call/text/email your child-less friends. Before you had your baby, you kept in contact daily, don’t fall off of the earth because the baby is here. Chances are your friend is missing you, a LOT, let her know that even though your life is upside down.. you are missing her as well.
*Remember why you were friends in the first place and what your similar interests are. Maybe fashion, celeb gossip, or martinis does not interest you all that much in your sleep-deprived state, (all you want to do is sleep damn it!).. but they are some things that you are your friend bonded over. Make time to still chat about these things, it will show your friend that she is still important, and it will make you feel more human-like.. and less like a zombie with diaper cream crusted on your skinny jeans.
*Try to stay current in what is going on in their life. Again, this goes back to not only talking about your baby, but make sure you take an interest in her life as well. You might not think that the umpteenth fight she had with her boyfriend over who cleans the kitchen after dinner is that important in the grand scheme of things, but if it is important to HER, you should listen and let her know that you still care.
*Make time for adult-only time. You love your baby more than anything. Your friend loves your bundle of joy as well. But you know what else your friend loves? YOU. Its hard to be YOU when you are constantly attending to the needs of your little bundle of joy, you will be distracted, unable to finish a thought (let alone a sentence) and that's not very good “quality” time with your friend. If at all possible, if you have a sitter you are comfortable with, take advantage of it! Leave the little one with your partner, a grandparent, cousin (just someone you trust) and get away for a little girl time! I know it is hard to leave your little love, but trust me, you will be so grateful to feel like an adult, and your friend will appreciate having some time with her friend!
Rules for Friends:
*Go visit your friend after she has the baby. Maybe babies aren’t your “thing”... but for the love of god GO see your friend. Having a baby is the BIGGEST thing that has happened in her life, so even if you deep down hate children, get your ass in your car and go support your friend. Isolation after having a baby can be a factor in post-pardum depression, so if you love your friend, go make sure she knows that you are not going to abandon her because she now has a baby!
*Do not be offended if your friend falls off the earth briefly. Your friend just had her whole world taken and dropped on his head. Having a baby changes everything, your friend’s entire schedule is being determined by a little person, so if she doesn’t text/email/call for a few weeks, try not to be offended. She still loves you, your friend is still in the sleep-deprived, booger-crusted, shell of a person, be patient!
*Make time for kid-friendly activities. In my rules for mommies I asked mommies to make time for adult time, but you also need to make time for baby. This little person is THE most important thing to your friend, and if you don’t make time to make your friend feel like this little extension of herself has a place in your life too, you can pretty much kiss your friendship good-bye.
*Do not be offended if your friend has to bail on you to tend to her baby. Maybe you guys had awesome plans to go to a concert of your favorite band, or maybe drinks on a friday night, but 2 hours before you need to leave your friend calls and says she has to cancel because the baby is sick, or the sitter bailed. I know it is disappointing.. believe me your friend is disappointed too. Guilt tripping your friend is NOT going to help the situation.
*Don’t count her out for adult-only activities. Yes, maybe she has had to cancel a few times because of baby-related mishaps.. but you should always give her the option to tag along to the hip new restaurant, or other fun adult-only outing. Do not assume that because it is not a baby-friendly activity, your friend will not want to go, just give her enough time to find a sitter. Chances are, your friend is probably starved for some adult activity!
*Do not give unsolicited baby advice!! Maybe you have read all of the baby books, know all of the theories, and are a early-childhood expert... but please.. please.. please.. do not give your friend advice on how to parent her baby (unless she specifically asks you) Until you have had a little one of your own, its kinda like women saying they know what its like to have a penis... we really have no clue. Your friend likely has a parenting style all of her own (and even if you disagree with it) its best to keep your opinions to yourself.. it will likely only piss her off. (and she is likely sleep deprived.. and looking to snap at any minute)
I hope that you can implement these rules to keep your life-long friendships. Feel free to share this list with your child-less friends!
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