changes

Today was a good day. We went to a morning play date, followed by lunch, a nap for my little guy (which means shower/photo editing/chores/chatting with friends time for me), bath time for little man, followed by snack and a movie (today it is Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs). This is roughly the formula for our days. We try to get out of the house for an activity, (whether it is a play date, or grocery shopping), lunch, nap, (I get my "me" time to shower, relax, or do work around the house), followed by an afternoon of toys or going to the park depending on the weather. Gray and I have really grown to love our little schedule of events. Everything (usually) gets done around the house, and we both get out and get to socialize with other people. I finally (after almost 2 1/2 years) feel like I have a handle on this being a mom of 1 thing....

With all of that said, in just 4-6 short little weeks, EVERYTHING is going to change. We are going to go from a family of 3 to a family of 4. I am going to have to shift from being a mother of 1 sweet little boy, to the mother of two... a toddler (who I am sure will be jealous).. and a newborn. Every time I think about the changes that are to come, I cant help by think "OH SHIT!" They are going to outnumber me.. there will be 2 of them! Double the laundry (at least.. babies seem to throw up and get poop on everything) How am I going to get out of the house with two of them! I have a hard enough time balancing Gray's "potty" bag, toy bag, my purse, and what ever else we may need every time we leave. How am I going to handle all of that PLUS a car seat, diaper bag, and a stroller? When am I going to have time to shower or do anything that needs to get done around the house? Should I just kiss my "me" time goodbye? And how is my little guy going to handle this huge change? He is going to go from being "the baby" to the "big brother", and how is he going to handle his new role? Right now he is gets all of mommy's and daddy's attention, how is he going to react to having to share the attention? Will he handle it the same way I did when my brother was born and ask to take the new baby back to where my mom got it?

I guess these are all questions that will get answered in time. While I am very excited to meet our little girl (and pretty much over this whole "pregnancy" thing), I have to admit that I am a little nervous to see how these changes are going to effect the dynamic of our family. I know these must be things that everyone who is expecting a second child must be apprehensive about, hell... these are things that anyone expecting any child thinks about, whether its the 1st or 5th. I also know that everything will work itself out, because things just have a way of doing that... There will be big changes, but we will be OK. I will learn how to balance, and Gray will learn how to be the "big brother." As with many other things in life, the anticipation and uneasiness of the unknown is usually much worse than what is to come. I know that I worry now, but as soon as I meet my new little girl, all of the hard work that is to come will be well worth it. :)

Money and Power

Ever since I have been old enough to get working papers, I have had a job. I have always paid my own bills, and it was always very important to me to be financially independent. I have never wanted to have to ask my parents to borrow money, I don't like to feel like need to depend on anyone else. When my husband came home last summer and asked me if I wanted to move to Canada and be a stay at home mom with our son, my initial reaction was excitement to be home with our son... (as a teacher I saw first hand the product of parents that work too much and hire other people to raise their children.. and its not pretty. I completely understand that not everyone is in the position to be home with their children, and that does not make them bad parents. I had many many well adjusted students with two working parents, but too often parents are too exhausted after a long day of work to be a fully present parents, and they are left with spoiled, over indulged, or even worse completely neglected children because a day care, nanny, or TV raised their children)... But after it processed, and after I actually quit my job, the "oh shit, now I am fully dependent on someone else" set in. It was a very foreign feeling to me.

All of my friends, family, and co workers we SO excited for me, that I would get the opportunity to stay home with my son. I knew that I was extremely lucky to be in the position, so I did not want to voice my concerns about being dependent, and admitting that I felt like I was losing some power. When I had a job, I felt like I had a big say in the financial decisions in our house. (now my husband is an accountant, so for the most part he handles our finances, but at least I was contributing, and felt like I had a legitimate say in where the money was going).. but as we packed up the house.. and I left my job, our home, our family, and our friends, I couldn't help but think "am I giving up my power? Is my husband now the CFO of our house, and I am the cook, child care, and house keeper? Is this why women wanted to get out of the home and into the workforce? So they would have an equal share of the power."

Just yesterday I told my husband that I wanted to get him golf lessons for fathers day. Normally I would have just purchased the lessons and not thought twice about it, I would have surprised him on fathers day and that would have been it. But this year I felt like I had to tell him before I spent $200 of his dollars towards his present. We joked about it, and he said "yeah, I guess it is different now that I am buying my own presents"... but his statement just solidified what I have been thinking. There is a change. Maybe it is a shift in power, maybe its just a change that I have to get used to. Luckily I married a really wonderful man who does not capitalize on this change, he never makes me feel like "he is the boss", and for those of you that know me, that would never fly with me anyway haha. I know the old saying that "who ever has the money has the power", but I would like to think that we have moved past that. Marriage is a partnership, and it doesnt matter who the bread winner is, as long as you are both doing your share with the family. Right? Just because I do not work outside of the home, does not mean I do not work. Having one two year old is like having a fully time job in itself, come August we will have two kids, add on top of that keeping the house in order, and making sure we are all fed, clean, and clothed, I would say I have my hands full. My new "job" may not have a pay check, but I know it is equally important in our home. While I know the value of my job is immeasurable, I still can not shake the uneasiness of now not being able to contribute financially. I am hoping this insecurity is something that will fade in time, I guess we will soon fine out. There certainly is a great deal of power that comes with being able to provide for yourself, and being dependent on the wrong person could be a complete disaster. Even with the right person, depending on someone so much is scary and requires a whole new level of trust that I didn't know was possible.

What exactly do you think your dirty looks will do?

For those of you that have children, you of course know about the terrible twos. You know that every once in a while your darling, adorable, well behaved child forgets all of the manners and rules of acceptable behavior you have taught them, and will partake in a full-on temper tantrum, and you just can not do anything about it. For those of you that are parents.. you know this all too well... and you also know ALL about the stares that you get from the people that do not have children. You know the stares meant to make you feel like an awful parent because your child did not come with a magic "off switch" that you can just push to turn your screaming tot into a little angel. For those of you that are not parents let me educate you...
When you are out in a public place, and you see a toddler throwing a full on temper tantrum, you turning around to give the poor, exhausted (pregnant) mother the death stare that clearly states "do something about your child" is only going to infuriate said mother, and cause her to only want to allow the child to scream more just because it pisses you off. This is especially true if the said mother is doing everything she can to try to stop the temper tantrum. (now if the mother is on the phone, texting, reading, ignoring the child.. then sure, stare away. If she is ignoring her child, she sure as hell isnt going to notice your death stares.) Bottom line is that no one, including myself, enjoys a screaming child, but in the world of toddlers, sometimes it just happens, and the lasers shooting out of your eyes are not going to stop it.. they just may earn you some very dirty looks back, and possibly some choice words directed at you from the over-exhausted mother of that adorable, daring, screaming 2 year old that is annoying the hell out of you.