I did not breast feed my son. I really had no interest in it, by the end of my pregnancy, I was physically and emotionally drained, and I just felt like I needed my body back. I did not at all know what to expect with having a newborn at home, and I felt like the pressure of breast feeding was just too much for me to handle. I also knew how easily I get stressed out when I am sleep deprived. I NEED to get 8-9 hours of sleep, or I am just not the same person. I did not want to welcome a baby into the world just to give him a miserable stressed mother, I knew a happy mom makes a happy baby, and I have to say my son was one of the happiest babies I know. I knew that I would need help from my husband with feedings, and I wanted the option to be able to leave the baby with our parents over night if we had plans. Do I think that I was selfish in my decision? Absolutely. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. While my breast feeding friends were tied to their baby for 45 minutes every 2 hours.. and up all night feeding, my son was sleeping longer, and he ate about ever 3-4 hours for about 15 minutes. I have to admit it was pretty nice. I also was only taking off for 8 weeks after he was born, and the idea of being hooked up to a machine to pump made me feel like a cow. Maybe this was not the right mind set to have, but it was the one that I had.
In just a few short weeks.. we are expecting our second child, and I am faced with the decision of if I want to breast feed or not. Do I want to?... Honestly.. no. I don't. But I am still facing what feels like a HUGE decision. Quite a few things have changed since I was pregnant with my son. For one- We have moved to Canada. I have joined an AMAZING group of moms, who ALL seem to breast feed. They are not shy AT ALL about just whipping it out in public. I am not criticising this, I think breast feeding is natural and women should not have to go hide in their car or bathroom to feed their child, but a little bit of modesty would be nice. It seems like such a huge cultural difference than the US. Its not uncommon to see a women breastfeeding at the local mall in NJ, but she is covered up. Here, I have seen women in restaurants pull up their tank tops, pull down their bras, and just let it ALL hang out. Hey, if they are comfortable with the world seeing their boobs, more power to them, I am just not that comfortable.
Two- women here get a full year maternity leave. When ever I tell women that we get 6 whole weeks, they are completely mortified that the US puts such a small value on a mothers bonding time with her children. If I choose not to breast feed again, am I going to get stoned to death if I am out in public with my children, and I feel my infant from a bottle and not from the breast? Now, I am NOT the type of person to make my decisions based on what others think, and if the women I talk to on a daily basis choose to judge me for not breast feeding (if that is what I choose to do).. then I know that I really don't need to talk to them anyway. (I really cant stand idea pushers anyway).. but it is very hard not to consider breast feeding when it is such a HUGE part of the culture I am now a part of.
With all of this said, I have done my research, and I am very well educated on the benefits of breast feeding, but I still feel like it has to be good for the WHOLE family, and I have to make this decision based on what will be best for us. How I am going to be able to keep up with my 2 1/2 yr old with an infant attached to me every other hour? I have seen many moms neglect their older children just because they attached to the new one constantly. That is not fair to my son. I am worried about how he is going to adjust anyway, bottle feeding may be a way that he can help me with the baby and feel involved.
This will be a decision that I will have to think about as my due date get closer and closer. Right now I am thinking I may give it a shot, see how it works out for our family, and if its not a good fit, I can always stop. If I do give it a shot, and it doesn't work out, god help the poor nurse, lactation specialist, or fellow mom that tells me I am a horrible mother for it, because there is a good chance they will get verbally (if not physically) told to shove it!
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